Disquiet

Figuring out Medicare, coordinating medical care, dealing with health insurance … it’s been too much for me. Today, I finally called my psychiatrist. I have been seeing her for about a decade for anxiety and depression.

I’ve been on Lexapro for years. It’s supposed to take the edge off. Behavioral health providers always tell me that it’s environmental triggers … circumstances that cause my insomnia and bouts of anxiety. That I’m dealing with a huge amount of medical problems. That just one of my ailments would knock most people out.

Well, I’ve never really publicly spoken about how crippling the stress, frustration, and depression are. I have lost friends because I’m unreliable and high maintenance. I live far away from my friends and the city I love (“Boston, you’re my home!”). I don’t actually live that far away, but it’s just far away enough that no one visits.

I’m a city girl. I used to be able to walk down the street to pick up my comics at The Outer Limits or hop on the train to Cambridge. There were several restaurants that I loved to visit (In a Pickle stole my heart!) and a Landmark Theatres cinema! Sigh.

Now, I’m within walking distance of a T-Bones. Whatever that is. I live in a town. It’s nice and quiet and reminds me of the town I grew up in. My neighbor, Dan, is the best. My landlord is amazing. And I absolutely love living with my partner, Jon, and our cat Candy O. I just miss my old life of rock shows, public transportation, indie movies, and delicious dining options. It’s just so hard being so far away from all of these places and people!

But I’m veering into the depression lane. If I go too far that way, I’ll hafta explain about how my multiple illnesses restrict my social life, driving, and dependability. This post is about this buzzing in my head!

To help with said buzzing, my psychiatrist added a new medication called buspirone. And she wanted to increase my Lexapro dose, but my insurance doesn’t cover it. Sooo, more fun with health insurance. 🤕🏥💊

(The pharmacy contacted me to let me know that they couldn’t fill it and they needed my permission for them to contact my doctor to see if they could talk to my insurer and get it approved. Meanwhile, I was calling around to try and locate a pharmacy that carried the buspirone. And looking online to see if my insurance covered the buspirone.)

I’m trying to get help. I’m not suicidal, but I’m not finding joy in life like I usually do. I’ve been very honest with my partner about my mood. He said that it’s like I’m stuck on a tough level of a video game that I just can’t get past. That I don’t even want to play the game any more. But someday, I’ll find the warp zone and I’ll get out of this level. And the game will be great again.